Measure of a Mom

I often think about how much I suck at being a Supermom. My transition from a career-mom to a stay-at-home-mom has been anything but triumphant. In these few short months I’ve been at home, I have never been more exhausted, beaten-up, drained, and just plain ugly. Although my tenure as a SAHM is very temporary (only 2 more months), I have really learned to appreciate all the mothers and fathers out there who choose this as their permanent occupation. It has not been easy. There are many days when my husband walks through the door after a long day and all he can say is, “Are you wearing a bra?” Before you get all hot and bothered, this is not a sexy question. This is a Jesus-Christ-You-Couldn’t-Even-Put-On-A-Bra-Today kind of question. And the answer is, no. I could not put on a bra. Or brush my teeth. I’m not sure if I showered today. Or yesterday. Shaved legs? Forget about it. My matchy-matchy pink pajamas? Yep, still wearing them at 5:00pm.

So, the question is, does this make me a bad mom? Should I be up at the ass-crack of dawn, exercised, showered, and knitting a potholder before my wee-one has even opened his eyes? Should the house be spotless and the dog groomed, all while my toddler politely recites Shakespeare. Should I have six-pack abs, perky boobs, and shaved pits as I organize a food-drive for homeless orphans? Should I be cooking solely organic? Wait, should I be cooking? Oh, God.

If your answer to any of these questions is ‘yes,’ I will politely suggest you kiss my haggard ass. I have constructed my own “Measure of a Mom.” I hope the following list will help SAH moms and dads to accurately measure their success as a parent. Simply calculate the answers to the questions to evaluate your victory over the day.

Measure of a Mom (or Dad)

-Did you consider taking a shower today or yesterday?

-Did you trip over/stub your toe/step on less than 9 toys today?

-Do less than half of the rooms in the house have crayon on the wall?

-Did the dog only escape from the backyard twice today?

-Are you the only member of the household that sustained any injury today?

-Were you able to successfully stop your nosebleed?

-Did you employ self-defense skills during toddler tantrums?

-Was your child napping for at least 12 minutes today?

-Did less than 3 neighbors see you in your PJs while checking the mail?

-Did you make it through the day without succumbing to your craving for drugs, alcohol, or cookies?

-Did anyone run with scissors (including you)?

-Was the TV on for less than 12 hours?

-Did you read to your child today (even if it was the back of the soap dispenser in the bathroom while you were going pee)?

-Was “Oh shit!” uttered less than 57 times?

-Is there poop on anything or anyone? If so, did the dog lick it up?

-Is the household headcount the same at the beginning AND end of the day?

This list is not mutually exclusive. Good luck!