Wednesday, October 24, 2012

The Queen's Throne


Once upon a time, not long ago, I was a neurotic, Type-A nut job with an obsession for utilizing every minute of every day efficiently. At one point, I tried to decrease the time I spent in the bathroom with a pee-and-flee mentality. I despised going the bathroom. It was such a damn waste of time. With so many urgent matters to deal with, I could never understand why men liked spending so much time on the toilet. There’s too much to do! Get in and get out, right ladies?! Well, things have changed.

Let me tell you, I can't remember the last time I pissed in peace. I now long for what was once an inconvenience. I rarely get the opportunity to use the commode without two little eyes watching me, and when I am alone, my son is screaming bloody murder and the dog is trying to scratch down the door. My mom always told me that one day I would understand how exhausting motherhood could be, and that it really is a 24/7 job. Even when you pee, you are not on a break. Mom, you were right, and I’m sorry for watching you pee.

In addition to a lack of personal space, toilet paper has become an issue. My son thinks toilet paper is meant to be confetti. He rips it to shreds, and now every time nature calls, I find myself using MacGyver-like skills to weave together some semblance of a goddamn toilet paper square. I really don't think that's what Charmin had in mind.

Recently, my son barged in on me peeing (I was peeing, not him- but that would have been much funnier). Instead of standing and staring, however, he thought he could give me a hand with wiping. I could see the wheels turning in his little head, and as his hand reached up toward me, I did what any sane person would do and karate-chopped him in the throat. No, not really. Calm down. I wanted to- but I just screamed "NO!" and he fell over and cried. For the love of God, all I wanted to do was the pee-and-flee, but I had to quilt a piece of toilet paper and then console my screaming child. 10 minutes later, I was searching for answers...WTF just happened? So help me God, if my son makes a habit of trying to help people wipe their nether regions, I'm going to start doing drugs (And not your simple run-of-the-mill "gateway" drugs- I'm talking crystal meth or Robitussin). I know he's just trying to help, but I'm not prepared to teach a toddler why he can't be Mommy's helper with EVERYTHING. 

So nowadays, I find myself in deep reverie, fantasizing about alone time- just the John and me. I daydream about urinary tract infections, constipation, diarrhea, and kidney stones- really, anything that would give me an excuse to enjoy my throne for lengthy amounts of time. Who would have guessed that I'd be praying for more terlit time? I would just like to say sorry to my husband for all those times I nagged you for taking 45 minutes in the bathroom. I will respect your time of tranquility from now on.  

I hope I have not traumatized too many of you, but I don't sugarcoat things. Don't say I didn't warn you. Parenting means never being alone. I think I need to pee...

6 comments:

  1. If you figure out how to keep the little ones from trying to help with that particular task, please share! I have to go, now, with one hand outstetched like the Heisman Trophy.

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  2. I will let you know when I figure it out! Thanks for the tip on the Heisman Trophy! I'll have to try that one.

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  3. This post is too funny! I can't remember the last time I peed alone since I had my son! And he went through the toilet paper phase too, but thankfully does not do it anymore!

    By the way, I nominated you for the Liebster award! Go check out the post on my blog =)

    http://dashofsun.blogspot.com/2012/11/liebster-award.html

    Jenni

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    1. Thanks for the nomination and for following my blog! I hope you can pee in peace soon!

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  4. New Follower here! I think I started following you on Twitter, but then forgot to check out your actual blog. Here I am, and YOU ARE FUNNY!! So I will stick around ;)

    Alone time?? What is that?
    Alone time in the fricking bathroom?????? Really, WTH is that??

    Pee n Flee- Love it! Love the line about the drugs. I always say to my family that I wish I was addicted to meth.Not really bad, but just long enough so that they would have to do an intervention and then send me away to a tranquil rehab on the beach in Malibu to be alone and do yoga......or whatever those beachy rehabs do.

    Great Blog! Keep writing!
    http://mylifeconcoctedbyme.blogspot.com

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  5. Thank you so much for your sweet and funny feedback! I love your rehab idea! I might look into that... :) Your blog is great! I definitely laughed out loud!

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