Do-gooder or Squanderer?

I’ve been in the trenches for the past few days, elbow-deep in poo and puke, so forgive me for not blogging. I know you all hang on my every word, and I apologize for leaving you in suspense/despair/panic while anticipating my next post. My poor baby was sick- AGAIN. If you refer to my post The Plot Thickens, but the Poo Doesn’t, you can familiarize yourself with my desperate quest for freedom from the Shit Shenanigans I’ve been subjected to for the past several months my son has been in daycare.

My family is currently transitioning to a new city, and calling it a cluster f&@# would be putting it mildly. Okay, so I’m a little dramatic (hence the title of the blog), but I have been going nuts trying to pack 20 pounds of shit in a 5-pound bag (or at least that’s what it seems). I am known for my extremely clutter-free lifestyle and pride myself on excessive waste and/or donating. I get rid of everything. I think TLC should create a new show called “Wasters” and air it juxtaposed to “Hoarders”. I will gladly be the star/host/director/producer.  I can’t stand junk. If my house even begins to resemble a garage sale, I will burn it down and start from scratch. I think the Goodwill should put my name on a plaque or something since I’ve given them some pretty awesome shit. I try to de-clutter every couple of months, and it works very well. Here’s the problem: I had a kid. The kid isn’t the problem, but the ten tons of useless crap that goes along with a kid is driving me to drink.

I can remember spending four agonizing hours in Babies-R-Us (the Devil’s Emporium) attempting to navigate my way through all 872 “necessities” the store recommended on their Nazi registry list. I just kept repeating the same question over and over- “Do we really need all this stuff?” Are you telling me that a crib, bassinet, pack-n-play, swing, and bouncer are all necessities for a newborn? Does a baby really need 5 different places to sleep? They spend most of their time on a boob! If you are a soon-to-be parent or new parent, take my advice- YOU DON’T NEED ALL THAT CRAP! Jesus was born in a manger- I think you will manage.

So, needless to say, we have accumulated a ridiculous amount of baby gear and nowhere to put it! I should have registered for a freakin’ storage unit! I might suggest that to Babies-R-Us. While some of the gear is storage-worthy (for future babies), I will be damned if all of this baby stuff follows us to our new house. So, the question is-What is a necessity? I really don’t think my son will lose sleep if I toss a few of his 78 stuffed animals. Or what about blankets? What is with the baby blankets? I know I didn’t register for 92 of them! I have nightmares that I will end up on Hoarders, but instead of piles of trash and animal crap, I’m covered with the entire cast of Sesame Street. I can see the headlines now- “Mother’s Home Condemned, Muppets Taken into Custody.”

So I'm extremely wasteful, I know. I like to think of it as philanthropic or altruistic. Like I said, I'm still waiting for Goodwill to recognize my charitable contributions. I’m on a mission to be more minimalistic- I’ll let you know how it goes.